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Interview with Abby Sher
Interview with Abby Sher
A Conversation with Abby Sher, Author of Amen, Amen, Amen
1. When and how did you decide to write a memoir? How long did it take you to write it?
I actually wanted to write a memoir years ago, but then decided it would be too painful and I didn’t really have resolution with my story. Then a personal essay of mine was published in SELF in 2007, and I got a lot of good feedback from readers, including an editor who wondered if I would be interested in expanding it into a book. From start to finish it probably took me two years to write, although it will never feel finished.
2. What was the process like? Were there things you remembered that surprised you? Did the shape of the book or the way you presented your story evolve or change over the course of writing it?
I loved writing this story. It was incredibly freeing. First structuring a proposal and finding some of the through lines, then having a purpose and goal to my writing each day. I usually have to write everything by hand first, then go through and put it in the computer, editing as I do this. Writing by hand often makes me wander and that’s where I find the memories that could be somewhat hidden. My fabulous editor really challenged me and helped me dig in deeper on each draft.
3. Throughout the book you mention not wanting to discuss your prayers or mention Him. Yet here you have written a book about them. How and when did you arrive at a point when you were more comfortable writing and talking about your faith and your relationship with G-d?
This is probably the hardest part about publishing the book. I still want to keep my faith secret in many ways. But as I continue to work on my obsessions, it gets more important for me to be honest and open. Secrecy has always been for me a sign of anxiety.
4. Were there parts of the book that were harder to write than others? Did you find it easier to write about your experiences as an adult, seeing as they are more recent, or your childhood experiences?
I definitely had more fun writing about my childhood because I have more distance from those memories and could almost observe them unfold. Also, I miss my aunt and father, who died when I was young, very much and it felt like I got to play with them as I wrote about them. The later years were harder because I’m not proud of many of my actions, and it was hard to take ownership of my mistakes and the way I hurt people.
5. In the book you write about the difficulty of reconciling your illness and your faith. How would you describe OCD in your own terms? How do the two coexist in your life today?
I think a lot of people view OCD as an obstacle or struggle. For me it was and continues to be a survival skill. Especially my prayers. They helped me through the hardest times in my life. I still try to pray daily for at least half an hour. I also time myself, to make sure I live life fully. I think my greatest challenge is to think about what I’m saying and doing, before I require myself to repeat it again.
6. You write that anorexia is an imperfect description of your eating disorder because of your OCD. Why is that?
Anorexia felt like it was only addressing what I put in my mouth, not the tornado in my brain. But as many doctors have told me, the starving or bingeing or whatever your disorder entails is just a way to mask what you’re running from.
7. Will your friends and family be surprised by the book? How much of your internal struggle do they know?
Yes, I’ve had a few friends and my sister read the book already and say “I had no idea.” Another friend looked at the cover and said she was scared to read it. I kept most of this secret for much of my life.
8. You’ve described the book as being part elegy, part adventure, part detective story, and part love story. Would you explain what you mean?
It’s definitely an elegy to my parents. I’m still learning how to honor them without idolizing them. It’s an adventure, because I endowed myself with these super powers and I was sure I was responsible for saving the world. The detective part is a little trickier because I wound up being the villain instead of the hero and had to cover my tracks. And the love story is still evolving. I’m still not sure how but I wound up with a great partner and he’s agreed to stick around and love me and make me omelets on Sunday mornings.
9. Why did you choose the title Amen, Amen, Amen?
I’m sure there are multiple definitions for the word, but I learned that Amen translates to So be it. It’s supposed to be the finale, the end of whatever song or prayer or plea you are offering. But for me, Amen just became another word I had to repeat over and over again. It lost its meaning because I was too busy counting out its syllables and making sure they were divisible by five or three or eleven.
10. What would your mother think of the book?
I really hope she likes it. I love being able to write in her voice. I hope I’ve done her justice, and that I used good grammar.
11. What do you find similar or different about performing comedy versus the more solitary process of writing?
I love both processes. And I think performing in a group, especially improvisation, helps me just throw onto the page whatever comes into my head first. I really try to make that first draft be as uncontrolled and messy as possible. I love writing in coffee shops so that I feel like I’m part of a greater creative whole, but also on my own. And I got to write most of this book while I was pregnant so I always had someone (in my belly) with whom to sound out ideas, which was really fun.
12. Your life now seems remarkably settled. Describe an average day in your life. How do you deal with things when your OCD makes itself known?
Yeah, it’s a little scary to think that I’m settled, but I love my home. I love the rituals that I do continue to observe. I pray when I wake up. I feed my daughter breakfast and then go to a café to write and/or go to a yoga class. My husband leaves for work at midday so I either get to play with my daughter for the afternoon or I teach yoga or write some more. We have a dinner, bath time, and bedtime routine. After she’s asleep I make myself dinner and either do some more work or once in a while get to perform at my friend’s theater. I definitely have rituals I have to watch – extra prayers, picking up litter, restricting my food. I talk about them regularly with a therapist. And I am currently on medication because after I gave birth I was having a lot of anxiety and did try to hurt myself once. I don’t want to subject my family to that.
13. What would you suggest to people who read this and feel that some of the behaviors resonate with them?
Talk about it. Talk about it with someone you trust, be it a doctor, a sibling, a friend or even your diary. So much of OCD, and many addictive behaviors, is about secrecy. It’s always helpful to sound out the stories that are playing on repeat in your head. I’ve also included a resources section at the back of the book – just some doctors, books and institutions that have helped me sort through my obsessions.
1. When and how did you decide to write a memoir? How long did it take you to write it?
I actually wanted to write a memoir years ago, but then decided it would be too painful and I didn’t really have resolution with my story. Then a personal essay of mine was published in SELF in 2007, and I got a lot of good feedback from readers, including an editor who wondered if I would be interested in expanding it into a book. From start to finish it probably took me two years to write, although it will never feel finished.
2. What was the process like? Were there things you remembered that surprised you? Did the shape of the book or the way you presented your story evolve or change over the course of writing it?
I loved writing this story. It was incredibly freeing. First structuring a proposal and finding some of the through lines, then having a purpose and goal to my writing each day. I usually have to write everything by hand first, then go through and put it in the computer, editing as I do this. Writing by hand often makes me wander and that’s where I find the memories that could be somewhat hidden. My fabulous editor really challenged me and helped me dig in deeper on each draft.
3. Throughout the book you mention not wanting to discuss your prayers or mention Him. Yet here you have written a book about them. How and when did you arrive at a point when you were more comfortable writing and talking about your faith and your relationship with G-d?
This is probably the hardest part about publishing the book. I still want to keep my faith secret in many ways. But as I continue to work on my obsessions, it gets more important for me to be honest and open. Secrecy has always been for me a sign of anxiety.
4. Were there parts of the book that were harder to write than others? Did you find it easier to write about your experiences as an adult, seeing as they are more recent, or your childhood experiences?
I definitely had more fun writing about my childhood because I have more distance from those memories and could almost observe them unfold. Also, I miss my aunt and father, who died when I was young, very much and it felt like I got to play with them as I wrote about them. The later years were harder because I’m not proud of many of my actions, and it was hard to take ownership of my mistakes and the way I hurt people.
5. In the book you write about the difficulty of reconciling your illness and your faith. How would you describe OCD in your own terms? How do the two coexist in your life today?
I think a lot of people view OCD as an obstacle or struggle. For me it was and continues to be a survival skill. Especially my prayers. They helped me through the hardest times in my life. I still try to pray daily for at least half an hour. I also time myself, to make sure I live life fully. I think my greatest challenge is to think about what I’m saying and doing, before I require myself to repeat it again.
6. You write that anorexia is an imperfect description of your eating disorder because of your OCD. Why is that?
Anorexia felt like it was only addressing what I put in my mouth, not the tornado in my brain. But as many doctors have told me, the starving or bingeing or whatever your disorder entails is just a way to mask what you’re running from.
7. Will your friends and family be surprised by the book? How much of your internal struggle do they know?
Yes, I’ve had a few friends and my sister read the book already and say “I had no idea.” Another friend looked at the cover and said she was scared to read it. I kept most of this secret for much of my life.
8. You’ve described the book as being part elegy, part adventure, part detective story, and part love story. Would you explain what you mean?
It’s definitely an elegy to my parents. I’m still learning how to honor them without idolizing them. It’s an adventure, because I endowed myself with these super powers and I was sure I was responsible for saving the world. The detective part is a little trickier because I wound up being the villain instead of the hero and had to cover my tracks. And the love story is still evolving. I’m still not sure how but I wound up with a great partner and he’s agreed to stick around and love me and make me omelets on Sunday mornings.
9. Why did you choose the title Amen, Amen, Amen?
I’m sure there are multiple definitions for the word, but I learned that Amen translates to So be it. It’s supposed to be the finale, the end of whatever song or prayer or plea you are offering. But for me, Amen just became another word I had to repeat over and over again. It lost its meaning because I was too busy counting out its syllables and making sure they were divisible by five or three or eleven.
10. What would your mother think of the book?
I really hope she likes it. I love being able to write in her voice. I hope I’ve done her justice, and that I used good grammar.
11. What do you find similar or different about performing comedy versus the more solitary process of writing?
I love both processes. And I think performing in a group, especially improvisation, helps me just throw onto the page whatever comes into my head first. I really try to make that first draft be as uncontrolled and messy as possible. I love writing in coffee shops so that I feel like I’m part of a greater creative whole, but also on my own. And I got to write most of this book while I was pregnant so I always had someone (in my belly) with whom to sound out ideas, which was really fun.
12. Your life now seems remarkably settled. Describe an average day in your life. How do you deal with things when your OCD makes itself known?
Yeah, it’s a little scary to think that I’m settled, but I love my home. I love the rituals that I do continue to observe. I pray when I wake up. I feed my daughter breakfast and then go to a café to write and/or go to a yoga class. My husband leaves for work at midday so I either get to play with my daughter for the afternoon or I teach yoga or write some more. We have a dinner, bath time, and bedtime routine. After she’s asleep I make myself dinner and either do some more work or once in a while get to perform at my friend’s theater. I definitely have rituals I have to watch – extra prayers, picking up litter, restricting my food. I talk about them regularly with a therapist. And I am currently on medication because after I gave birth I was having a lot of anxiety and did try to hurt myself once. I don’t want to subject my family to that.
13. What would you suggest to people who read this and feel that some of the behaviors resonate with them?
Talk about it. Talk about it with someone you trust, be it a doctor, a sibling, a friend or even your diary. So much of OCD, and many addictive behaviors, is about secrecy. It’s always helpful to sound out the stories that are playing on repeat in your head. I’ve also included a resources section at the back of the book – just some doctors, books and institutions that have helped me sort through my obsessions.
