Q. How would you describe your life in only 8 words?
A. Sit at computer. Type words into computer. Eat.
Q. What is your motto or maxim?
A. Void Where Prohibited
Q. How would you describe perfect happiness?
A. Answering this poll.
Q. What’s your greatest fear?
A. Having my intestines being slowly, demonically cranked out of my body via a medieval windlass. I guess it would be even worse if the intestines are being eaten by rats, as I watched.
Q. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you choose to be?
A. Probably some duckpin bowling alley in Akron, Ohio
Q. With whom in history do you most identify?
A. Marinus Van Der Lubbe
Q. Which living person do you most admire?
A. I guess whoever wrote this ingeniously creative poll.
Q. What are your most overused words or phrases?
A. "the Great Satan, America."
Q. What do you regret most?
A. Killing that guy in Memphis.
Q. If you could acquire any talent, what would it be?
A. Consistently hitting line drives into the gap against Mariano Rivera.
Q. What is your greatest achievement?
A. Not dying, to date.
Q. What’s your greatest flaw?
A. No sense of humor.
Q. What’s your best quality?
A. My respect for women with excellent behinds.
Q. If you could be any person or thing, who or what would it be?
A. A duckpin bowling alley in Akron.
Q. What trait is most noticeable about you?
Q. Who is your favorite fictional hero?
A. Captain Underpants. He's fictional, right?
Q. Who is your favorite fictional villain?
Q. If you could meet any historical character, who would it be and what would you say to him or her?
A. If I'd be the only person from the future he'd ever meet, it would be Hitler, and I'd tell him the current Chancellor of German is named Moishe Mandelbaum.
Q. What is your biggest pet peeve?
A. My biggest pet was a Great Pyrenees dog. Her biggest peeve was mailmen.
Q. What is your favorite occupation, when you’re not writing?
A. Does this suggest my favorite occupation is writing?
Q. What’s your fantasy profession?
A. Ladies' room attendant.
Q. What 3 personal qualities are most important to you?
A. Intelligence, sense of humor, minty-fresh breath.
Q. If you could eat only one thing for the rest of your days, what would it be?
Q. What are your 5 favorite songs?
A. That Firestone jingle, where the rubber meets the road. There really is no No. 2-5.