A. Incredibly lucky, purposefully antagonizing, surprisingly dull, wonderfully funny
A. If your mom tells you she loves you, check it out
A. Surrounded by books, with bourbon on the sides, The Simpsons (the good seasons) on the telly, and a naked gal sleeping in my bedroom.
A. Failing those that I love
A. I'm in it--Orange County, California
A. St. Jude Thaddeus, the patron saint of lost causes
A. My parents--for being unasimmilated Mexicans, they sure have accomplished a lot in this country
A. You know--I stole it from East Los Angeles
A. Not shtupping one of the chicks I mentioned in my Orange County book
A. To play the accordion
A. Getting two books published by Scribner--duh!
A. I don't play those silly games--God cursed me with being me, so why bother looking up?
A. Do glasses count as a trait
A. Tom Joad from the Grapes of Wrath
A. C. Montgomery Burns
A. The inventor of the burrito--I'd say, "Copyright your invention!"
A. honesty, passion, commitment
A. By stealing half of the book from my column of the same name, and the other half over six months of hilarity.