A. Fry cook, Video store clerk, Human Guinea Pig, Sentient blood bank and failed basic cable television personality
Q. Favorite job
A. author person
Q. High school and/or college
A. University of Wisconsin at Madison
Q. Name of your favorite composer or music artist?
Q. Favorite movie
A. Meet John Doe
Q. Favorite television show
A. The Simpsons
Q. How would you describe your life in only 8 words?
A. This is my happening and it freaks me out!
Q. What is your motto or maxim?
A. I got a good Christian raisin' and an eighth grade education. Ain't no need in y'all treating me this way
Q. How would you describe perfect happiness?
A. In my book I describe perfect happiness as drinking the still-warm blood of my friends from the hollowed-out skulls of my enemies. So I'm going to go with either that or hugging a newborn kitten.
Q. What’s your greatest fear?
A. Losing everything
Q. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you choose to be?
A. At the UN, accepting an award for being the greatest person in human history
Q. With whom in history do you most identify?
A. Richard Nixon
Q. Which living person do you most admire?
A. my dad
Q. What are your most overused words or phrases?
A. Hitlertastic, ungrammaticaliciousness and the
Q. What do you regret most?
A. Where do I begin?
Q. If you could acquire any talent, what would it be?
A. If I could change the channel on the TV without actually getting up and doing so manually, that would be almost inconceivably awesome.
Q. What is your greatest achievement?
A. The Big Rewind, and keeping my two cats out of cat prison despite their many cat crimes
Q. What’s your greatest flaw?
A. Where do I begin?
Q. What’s your best quality?
A. My sturdy hump/willingness to look the other way when my neighbors start moonshine stills in their backyards
Q. If you could be any person or thing, who or what would it be?
A. To paraphrase Woody Allen, my only regret in life is that I am not someone else
Q. What trait is most noticeable about you?
A. my terrible posture and air of ineffable sadness
Q. Who is your favorite fictional hero?
Q. Who is your favorite fictional villain?
Q. If you could meet any historical character, who would it be and what would you say to him or her?
A. Franklin Delano Roosevelt: "How's your hammer hanging?" Alternately I might just make small talk about the weather or baseball statistics. I've always wanted to ask our greatest President what he thinks about the White Sox's bullpen or if it might rain.
Q. What is your biggest pet peeve?
A. Presidents who aren't adept at making small talk
Q. What is your favorite occupation, when you’re not writing?
Q. What’s your fantasy profession?
A. I'm pretty happy with what I'm doing right now.
Q. What 3 personal qualities are most important to you?
A. honesty, a sense of humor and being able to hold your whiskey
Q. If you could eat only one thing for the rest of your days, what would it be?
Q. What are your 5 favorite songs?
A. "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered", "Everyday Struggle", "Too Much Tenderness", "Be My Wife", "These Days"
On Books and Writing
Q. Who are your favorite authors?
A. Don Delillo, Preston Sturges Woody Allen David Sedaris Billy Wilder F. Scott Fitzgerald John Swartzwelder
Q. What are your 5 favorite books of all time?
A. Our Dumb Century The Third Face The Great Gatsby Yes I Can Catcher In The Rye
Q. Is there a book you love to reread?
A. A Confederacy of Dunces
Q. Do you have one sentence of advice for new writers?
A. If you want to write, write: learn by doing, then do by learning. Wait, this doesn't have to make any sense, does it?
Q. What comment do you hear most often from your readers?
A. Your grammar and punctuation are deplorable but your prose at times approaches, if never quite attains, adequacy
A. A few years back, I wrote a manuscript about my experiences flying from Chicago to Los Angeles every weekend to tape AMC's "Movie Club With John Ridley", a poorly rated, mildly disreputable basic-cable movie review panel critics and audiences alike heralded as "short-lived" and "cancelled". It didn't get published but I learned a valuable lesson: people don't want to spend their hard-earned cash on books about television shows nobody has heard of. I quickly abandoned planned oral histories of "Hello Larry" and "Cleghorne!" and decided, on my agent's advice, to write a book proposal for a memoir that filtered my hilariously traumatic real-life tale of growing up in first a mental hospital, then a wealthy foster family whose patience and generosity knew only strict, unyielding boundaries and finally in a group home for emotionally disturbed adolescents through the sturdy prism of pop culture. It was an opportunity to crassly exploit a lifetime worth of psychological pain for monetary gain. Despite a tradition of good taste and solid judgment, the good folks at Scribner inexplicably bought my book proposal. I wrote "The Big Rewind" while working on the inaugural season of "My Year of Flops", a popular online series on famous cinematic failures I do for the Onion A.V Club, where I have toiled as the Head Writer for something like a decade. I like to think of "The Big Rewind" and "My Year of Flops" as Siamese twins created in the same tainted womb, so I am delighted to be able to announce that Scribner be publishing a "My Year of Flops" book filled with what SCTV would call "Golden Classics" as well as plenty of awesome original, all-new material. In conclusion, buy my book.