My Life in 8 Words
Q. What is your motto or maxim?
A. I can't imagine ever being in a position where I might need one, or could use one without looking like an imbecile. "A guilty conscience needs to confess," you say. "A work of art is a confession." You think you sound like Dorothy Parker, but actually you sound like the windy old buffoon you so patently are. I wouldn't mind having my own catchphrase, though, if I could only think of one that wouldn't get on my family's nerves after about five minutes. So it would probably be - "I'll put the kettle on, shall I?", or; "Yes, you can play on the Wii."
Q. How would you describe perfect happiness?
A. Being at home, together with my wife and my sons on a day when I've written well and there's something really good on TV.
Q. If you could be any person or thing, who or what would it be?
A. Me, for all that.
Q. What are your most overused words or phrases?
A. "tea", "cup", "kettle" and "that bloody dog."
Q. If you could acquire any talent, what would it be?
A. The ability to touch type. The ability to draw, paint, sing, play a musical instrument, fix things, make things. But the fact that I never bothered to learn a single one of these things would appear to indicate that, really, I'm not that interested in any of them.